Sheilan Laing doesn鈥檛 like to talk about why he doesn鈥檛 play hockey.

Being unable to lace up his skates and get out there for a good skate 鈥� feeling the wind in his face as he picks up speed, hearing the crunch of his blades cutting into the ice and the sound of teammates and foes battling for the puck 鈥� not playing is a scar that runs deep with the 37 year old Chilliwack man.

When he thinks about why he鈥檚 not playing, old feelings bubble to the surface, and he relives the moment that forced him to the sidelines.

He feels frustration and anger as the images flash in his mind.

A playoff game in a men鈥檚 hockey league. A spirited battle along the boards. A vicious and totally unnecessary cross-check to the back of his head by an agitated opponent.

鈥淚 believe it was the final game of the final playoff series,鈥� Laing says. 鈥淚 was checking him along the boards, just working hard. I turned around to head off the ice for a line change, and guys from both teams say he hit me from behind in the head.

鈥淚 was knocked out before I even hit the ice.鈥�

Laing doesn鈥檛 remember any of that.

Instead, he remembers sitting in the dressing room crying, and the anguish he felt knowing that he was concussed.

Again.

鈥淚t wasn鈥檛 even anger that I felt,鈥� he says quietly. 鈥淭hat came later. What I felt in that moment was despair because I knew what I was going to have to go through everything all over again.鈥�

^

^

Laing was no stranger to concussions before that terrible night.

He figures he started down that path in bantam. He was a smaller player then, learning to hit and be hit, and he remembers 鈥渟eeing stars.鈥�

鈥淚 was knocked unconscious twice in my first year of bantam,鈥� he says. 鈥淏ut back then it was kind of, 鈥楪et your mind straight and get back out on the ice.

A few years later, after experiencing a significant growth spurt, Laing found himself playing junior B in Nelson.

He was hammered into the boards by an opponent and knocked out.

鈥淚 was probably out for a week or a week-and-a-half after that hit and I wasn鈥檛 feeling good whatsoever, but the team doctors said I was ready to go back in,鈥� Laing says. 鈥淚 told them I didn鈥檛 feel right, but it got to the point where the coach said, 鈥業f you don鈥檛 get back out on the ice, we鈥檙e going to be looking to trade you.鈥�

鈥淪o I got back out there, and within the first 10 minutes of my first game I got flattened by a guy and was concussed again.

鈥淪everal of my teammates told me later that the coach was yelling, 鈥楪et up you pussy!鈥欌��

The Nelson coach was true to his word, trading Laing to the Castlegar Rebels soon after. Advised by a non-team affiliated doctor to stop playing hockey, Laing told Castlegar that he was walking away from junior B at 18 years old.

鈥淎t that point, I couldn鈥檛 even walk around without getting dizzy,鈥� he says. 鈥淚 had headaches all the time and the bright lights of a rink made me feel disoriented. That went on for years afterwards and the worst part is I blamed myself. I thought I wasn鈥檛 鈥榯ough enough鈥� to get through it, and I was the one who quit.鈥�

Through it all, Laing鈥檚 love of hockey never wavered.

He stopped because he had to, but he never lost the desire to play.

Laing grew up playing hockey with a lot of guys in Chilliwack, and figured the local men鈥檚 rec league would be a relatively safe way to scratch the hockey itch. Most of the players he played with and against knew something of his history and recognized that he was at high risk for another concussion.

鈥淚t鈥檚 not like there was an unwritten rule to not hit me or anything like that,鈥� he says. 鈥淏ut guys are pretty respectful about that type of thing. It鈥檚 supposed to be non-contact and I was a pretty big guy who could handle himself, but if there was a skirmish I鈥檇 just turn away or push around a bit and find a way to get out of it.鈥�

It was six years from leaving junior B to the night he was blindsided in the men鈥檚 league game.

Laing was now 26 years old, married with his first child on the way.

Laing only missed three works of work after the hit.

The after-effects of the concussion lasted way longer, wreaking havoc in his life.

He found that he could barely remember anything from his childhood, and memory lapses made it difficult to function at work, where he was a construction site foreman.

Depression and anxiety already plagued him, and got much worse as he struggled to regain what was lost.

鈥淚 resorted to a lot of drinking to get through it,鈥� he admits. 鈥淭hat took a toll on my marriage.鈥�

Laing actually started drinking and experimenting with drugs a lot earlier, when he was a teenager in Nelson. It鈥檚 a common story with young hockey players who move away from home and experience 鈥榝reedom鈥� for the first time, encouraged in their excess by teammates who are two or three years older. By the time he left junior B, the alcohol and drugs were as much about self-medicating as anything else.

鈥淚 didn鈥檛 know it at the time, I had no idea why I was doing it, but I was depressed and anxious and feeling horrible about myself and the shitty way that it (his hockey career) ended,鈥� Laing says. 鈥淏y the time it fell apart in Nelson, I was drinking to the point of blacking out,鈥� Laing says. 鈥淲hen I got back to Chilliwack I just partied for three or four years until I met my wife. Even after that, I was drinking way too much.鈥�

Up to and following the last concussion, it remained a major issue in his life. When he drank too much, he lost every shred of control. He was emotionally volatile, willing to fight anyone at the drop of a hat and he鈥檇 lash out at anyone, even his wife.

Fortunately, he married a woman (Jill) who was blessed with tremendous patience.

鈥淪he鈥檚 always been there for me,鈥� he says, smiling. 鈥淢any times our relationship has struggled because of the stuff I鈥檝e gone through and she鈥檚 stood by me. It鈥檚 not one thing she鈥檚 ever said or done, but I honestly don鈥檛 think there鈥檚 a chance I鈥檇 be here today without her.鈥�

In his lowest moments, Laing thought about walking away from life. Thinking about Jill and his two children was all that kept him going.

鈥淓very day I鈥檇 be driving down the road and I鈥檇 think, 鈥業 can just crash into that telephone pole or drive off this bridge, and I came very close,鈥� he says. 鈥淚 had pills for the depression and anxiety and I鈥檇 just stare at it thinking, 鈥業 could take the whole bottle.鈥�

鈥淚 thought about buying a gun. I thought about hanging myself in my garage. I didn鈥檛 care about myself and the only thing that brought me back was my wife and kids and thinking about the harm I鈥檇 be causing them.鈥�

A turn for the better came when Laing heard a radio advertisement for the Advanced Concussion Clinic in Vancouver.

The specialists were the first to show any understanding of what he was going through.

鈥淵ou have a broken arm and people can see that you鈥檙e hurt, but you have a concussion and no one knows how you鈥檙e feeling inside,鈥� Laing explains. 鈥淚 went to my family doctor for years and he had no idea what to do with me.

鈥淪o I drove all the way down to Oak Street in Vancouver on my own dime.鈥�

Since walking through the doors to that clinic, Laing has learned a ton about concussions and how to cope with the physical and mental havoc they create.

鈥淏ut I don鈥檛 think you ever feel normal again, you just feel like you鈥檙e a little better,鈥� he says. 鈥淭his last year, especially since I quit drinking alcohol, I think it鈥檚 given my brain more of an opportunity to heal. I鈥檝e worked on a lot of mental stuff through it all, therapy and everything, and I feel better than I have since I was 17.鈥�

But there are still times when he doesn鈥檛 feel well.

Eleven years later, there are moments when he struggles to remember the name of someone he met just five minutes ago.

He has a day planner. He literally writes everything down, because he has to.

鈥淯nless I write it down, I鈥檒l forget,鈥� he says. 鈥淭here are times when I go into a room with people I鈥檝e met a dozen times and I can鈥檛 remember their name, and there are times when I can鈥檛 remember the name of a certain product or pipe that I鈥檝e used for 15 years. I can鈥檛 get the word out and it gets embarrassing and frustrating because now they鈥檙e thinking I don鈥檛 know what I鈥檓 talking about. And that鈥檚 where anxiety comes in.鈥�

Playing hockey again? Still a dream.

Laing attempted to come back a couple times, playing four games here or five games there.

鈥淏ut I just couldn鈥檛 do it, because I get disoriented when my heart-rate gets too high,鈥� he laments. 鈥淭he last time I tried, I was out there for a shift and one of my teammates said, 鈥榥ice pass鈥� and I didn鈥檛 even know what they were talking about. They could see it. They could see that I wasn鈥檛 the same player anymore.

There was a point when revenge was on Laing鈥檚 mind and the only thing he thought about was getting back onto the ice so he could challenge the guy whose cheap shot triggered this nightmare.

He admits he even took steroids for a while, because the guy he鈥檇 be going after 鈥渋s a mean and tough cat.鈥�

Nowadays, he鈥檚 about forgiveness.

The man who did this too him has apologized many times since, pretty much every time the two run into each other in public.

A more mature Laing says life鈥檚 too short to hold grudges, even well-deserved ones.

But that doesn鈥檛 mean he鈥檚 cool with how it happened, how it was allowed to happen, and how it could happen again.

鈥淎 lot of the guys in the rec league have played rep or junior hockey their whole lives, so they have that competitiveness in them,鈥� he explains. 鈥淣ear the end of the year and into playoffs, we understand that it gets amped up a bit. There鈥檚 a little more body. A little more stick-work. Emotions run a little higher and we鈥檙e totally find with that. I was involved in that too.

鈥淏ut when it comes to cheap shots from behind or taking a guy鈥檚 knee out, that鈥檚 unacceptable.鈥�

The solution, he says, must be a zero tolerance policy, especially for hits to the head.

鈥淔irst offence, gone for the rest of the year. Second offence, gone for good,鈥� Laing says with conviction. 鈥淭hese are all guys trying to earn a living right? You can鈥檛 be taking three or four months off to recover from an injury. You get a guy who hip-checks someone and breaks his leg or dislocates his knee, and the guy who鈥檚 hit can鈥檛 go to work for four months. What do you do about that? That鈥檚 not right.鈥�

When Laing comes back, as he eventually still plans to do, he hopes to come back to a league that is safer that the one he left.

鈥淚 do miss it a lot,鈥� he says wistfully. 鈥淚 love the smell of the rink. I love walking in there and smelling the ice. The concession. The hockey gear. Say it鈥檚 weird, but those are the smells I鈥檝e grown up with my whole life. I love the people. I love being on the ice skating as fast as I can for a loose puck. Scoring goals. Making a big play. All those things. Being on the ice or in the dressing room, just joking around. You miss that stuff.鈥�

And now that he鈥檚 finally putting his story out in the open, Laing also hopes that other concussion victims realize that they鈥檙e not alone.

鈥淚鈥檓 at the point now where I鈥檓 feeling better about myself and I can be a positive influence for someone who鈥檚 might be going through exactly what I鈥檝e been through,鈥� he says. 鈥淚f anyone reaches out to me, I鈥檇 love to help them get through it quicker than I did, because it took a very long time for me.鈥�

eric.welsh@theprogress.com
Like us on and follow us on .